What Happens When You Can't Explain the Lack of an Exit Wound?

Easy: Cue the Miracle Man of Steel Theory!

The guy pictured above is Andrew Kolvet. His X bio says he is “Christian. Proud husband and father. TPUSA Spokesman. Executive Producer of The Charlie Kirk Show. Son of Nevada. American.”

Sure.

I don’t know Andrew personally, but I can tell you one thing with certainty:

He is one of the worst liars I’ve ever come across.

Get a load of what he posted on X today:

Well, that explains everything, then.

Our unnamed physician - let’s call him Dr Doolittle - has finally solved the exit wound mystery using impeccable scientific rigor.

Okay, so he’s a bumbling idiot who missed a large bullet even though it was “just beneath the skin” the whole time.

Not to worry, the coroner got it in the end.

The brilliant Dr Doolittle was pondering the intractable mystery of how a .30-06 can effortlessly leave exit wounds in much larger game animals, but not a pencil-necked human.

Just when he was about to throw down his scrubs and call it a day, Dr Doolittle remembered what his favorite lecturer had always told him at the Trust Me Bro School of Medicine:

“Son, when you can’t find an answer, just make one up.”

Eureka!

Dr Doolittle rushed to the phone. The man at the other end picked it up.

“Andrew,” gasped Dr Doolittle, “you’re not going to believe this!”

“What?”

“It’s about Charlie!”

“What about him?”

“He’s not who you think he is!”

“Doc, what are you talking about?”

“Charlie Kirk is no ordinary mere mortal! He’s not even Charlie Kirk. He’s Clark Kent!”

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen.

Faster than a speeding bullet!

Well, almost.

More powerful than a locomotive!

Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound!

Able to do anything except out-argue Cambridge students!

(Those cheeky little Brit buggers were his kryptonite, apparently).

Charlie Kirk, ladies and gentlemen, was...

Wait, that’s not really Charlie Kirk. That’s an AI-generated image. Kirk didn’t have pecs like that. He was tall and lanky. Superman was like, athletic and stuff.

Which means that if Charlie Kirk really got shot in the neck with a .30-06, he would have suffered a similar fate to this replica human head consisting not of steel, but of ballistics gel and a cast resin skull:

And this is what happens when a nature-hardened deer - which, compared to lanky Charlie, is the friggin’ Hulk - gets blasted from 200 yards with a .30-06 (warning - graphic and fatal hunting footage):

And what would happen if you were to shoot actual steel with a .30-06?

Let’s find out:

So…

… a .30-06 will blow a simulated skull to smithereens.

It will leave a large exit wound in a deer.

It will blast straight through a steel plate.

But Kolvet wants you to believe that, in Kirk’s case, the bullet thoughtfully parked itself right beneath his skin?

Do I really need to go on?

And now, a word from your puppet-in-chief: